Strolls Through Campus—Ready for Spring (and Break)

Email to Faculty and Staff on March 13, 2024

Dear colleagues,

There is often an inverse relationship between how my week is going and the amount of time I spend in the Pre-K classroom. This isn't because of how adorable they are. They are, and I can't deny that I get a lift from their cuteness. As a general practice, though, I shy away from using children for emotional support. Rather, I find myself drawn to Cassie and John's classroom because of those boys' openness. There's an inherent trust and kindness, a palpable goodness in those boys that fills me with positivity and reminds me of our mandate and responsibility as a boys school. It's the same trust, kindness, and goodness that I see on stage during Upper School reflections when a boy introduces his friend and tells the community the aspects of that person that he admires and appreciates most. So often that introduction gives the speaker the courage he needs to take the podium and deliver an authentic, vulnerable, substantive, and wise reflection.

Somewhere in between those moments, boys lose some of that trust, kindness, and openness. This was, in many respects, the focus of Michael Thompson's talks with our students and faculty in grades 4-8. Dr. Thompson built those conversations around friendship and popularity, and how all too often during adolescence, the qualities of friendship diverge from the qualities of popularity. For me, that simple framework helped to explain so much of the work that we do with our students. When they are at their best—their most kind, their most empathetic, their most courageous—they are good friends. When they are not, they chase conventional popularity.

I found Dr. Thompson's framework powerful and intuitive, and chose to build my Form III Seminar course around it. I asked the Form III students to describe what it means to be a friend, to be popular, and to be a man. We made lists of each, compared and contrasted the attributes on the lists, and then reflected on which list would be most important in helping them live healthy, happy, successful lives. Overwhelmingly, they chose the friend list. We talked about how all too often boys and men deny themselves those traits because of a desire to be “popular” or to feel like a “man.” I asked each class if they, as boys, feel that tension, and in each class they nodded, and one honest boy said something akin to “every day.” I ended by telling them that I hope Haverford is a place that teaches them that they can develop those attributes of friendship while also being popular and feeling like a “boy.”

That work, though, is really hard. While I was taken by how much the boys wanted to talk about these tensions and by how keen they were to have Haverford be a place where the virtues of friendship were seen as popular and masculine, I was also taken by how divergent the lists were, and how fragile the boys were in talking about them. As Dr. Thompson reminded us, we are fighting both primal forces that are hardwired into our DNA, and deep societal pressures. When we get it right, it is liberating for the boys. We saw an element of that on stage over the weekend during the extraordinary production of Beauty and the Beast, and during the thank yous after, when the boys shared their gratitude for the adults involved with the production with candor and emotion.

So often, though, especially at this time of the year, we find ourselves working through the challenges of adolescence. And in those moments, I find myself turning to the Pre-K classroom to remind me that inside of these boys is a Pre-K student, longing for friendship, openness, authenticity, and love, and that, as a Pre-K through 12 school, we have a powerful opportunity to create the conditions that allow those things to re-emerge and thrive. When we do, we allow our boys to grow in ways that are transformative.

I know that in mid-March, when we are all ready for break and ready for spring, it can be difficult to see that, but in my strolls through campus every day, I do see it. And folks who are visiting Haverford every day see it. I don't mean to suggest we are perfect. We can always improve in creating those conditions in which boys thrive. But thanks to your tireless and thoughtful work, we get there far more often than not, and our students are so fortunate because of it.

Here is to a restful break and a warmer spring. We are nearly there.